24. Chae

My head was clearer after talking to Oscar. At the time, everything had cascaded down upon me and I was despairing.

I missed him so much. It was so wrong for Papa to be gone. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I wanted to scream because it felt like my head was being held under water, like my eardrums had cracked and I could no longer feel anything.

I was so cold and rational before, like it was fake. It seemed fake at the time. Thinking back, I still made the right move, there was no other solution. How could Elder Park be allowed to rule? Reign even? He was too ruthless, too cruel, too results-orientated. If he had succeeded, that would have been my cruelest act. In his defense, we would have made great progress at a greater sacrifice. To him though, it would be worth it. When is life ever worth success?

I miss her too. Mama's death was so painful. I was still waiting for the day she would show me her unrestrained self. And now, gone. I was angry, amidst all the confusion, Mama had been forgotten. Mama was the source of calm, with mama, I could face the next day of training. I could stay strong.

I'm so angry, so angry at Elder Park. How dare he murder mama. How dare he think he could use papa as a shield. How dare he think the reins were for him to take? How dare he? Was his succession more important than the lives of his son, his wife?

The thought that Oscar had been branded for these years, the thought of Oscar at all made me sad. A strange impenetrable melancholy ghost would take over me. My body would feel sluggish and my personality uncooperative. Even when I could have soothed a pained Oscar with a few well placed words.

What was wrong with me? What's wrong this world. Why so cruel?